Diary

The Golden Gate Bridge (I've never been there)

Been so busy lately, started a new job at the theatre. It's okay but sometimes I hate dragging myself out of bed to go. Been listening to a lot of PJ Harvey. I am going to drink a bottle of wine tonight! Things in my life I once thought impossible have all come true. A LOT TO BE GRATEFUL FOR. So close to getting my drivers license too. Just finished The Boys season 4, will probably watch Gen V. Haven't been drawing enough. Or reading enough. No romance in sight (only because I sabotaged it at every turn...), need to lose a few kilos. STOP SMOKING!!!!!! Smoking is really my greatest vice. As David Lynch said, It is one of life's simple pleasures. I love the way it smells, I love inhaling it. Too bad it literally turns my lungs black.

I read a piece from the New Yorker (https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2003/10/13/jumpers) a few months back and I have thought about that damned bridge every day since. I live in Europe but I have to go to that bridge someday...Song of today is of course the Sleater-Kinney masterpiece 'Jumpers' which has been one of my favourite songs for years, long before I found out it was based on the aforementioned article. This song makes me feel so sad...to think of all the people who felt drawn to project themselves from that bridge into the cold water below...the human spirit is truly elusive and unconquerable as well as impossible to make sense of.

Lonely as a cloud
In the Golden State
The coldest winter that I ever saw was
The summer that I spent
The only substance is the fog
And it hides all that has gone wrong
Can't see a thing inside the maze
There is a bridge adored and famed
The golden spine of engineering
Whose back is heavy with my weight...

Whiskey & Coke

A little drunk on whiskey and coke. Contemplating a bad situation I may have gotten myself into. Feeling strange and floaty and detached. Want snack. and another drink. AU REVOIR.

Beauty

Lately (well all the time) I've been thinking about how much beauty means to me, and how much it should mean to the average person. When I talk about beauty I don't mean in terms of people, but instead how to make our surroundings more beautiful. In my city they are currently knocking down one of the mainstreet buildings to rebuild it, and the proposed plans for the new building are to me, and evidently many others, ugly, souless, corportate ugliness. People should care! If we continue to let all of these circlejerk cunts build our cities and towns into horrible grey 'modern' metropolises we don't stand a chance. Of course there's bigger issues in the world, there always is. What I'm saying is it matters what people see when they step outside. People have the right to beautiful surroundings that are pleasing to the eye. Beautiful surroundings can inspire someone and make people happy! When I say this I especially mean working class areas, which of course have been neglected the most in this urban expansion. Everyone deserves beauty. Even if it doesn't seem like a big deal in the grand scheme of things it matters a lot more than most people think. Small rant over...

My wonderful life

The fans going cuz it's like 25 degrees right now. I'm painting my nails this glitter blue colour. I feel nostalgic, longing-y and weird. I think I may have to break whatever it is off with the girl I've been tirelessly battling with for about a year now. I hate her so much sometimes but I can't help still wanting her. I think she's bad for me. I FLOODED MY CUTICLES FUCK MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like a dummy. What do I even do in this situation. I don't know cuz i'm an idiot. Just gonna smoke a ciggarette about it. and yeah i need to stop smoking. The silly life of a 22 year old stupid dyke.

THE DAY IS PREGNANT!!

Today feels like it has the possiblity of being a good day, maybe a day where something great could happen. I'm in a good mood. I slept well, had a decent breakfast (tuna egg salad) and I plan to spend the afternoon doing absolutely nothing. Tonight I have plans to see Jane Weaver with my friend and I hope it's good, I also hope we don't get too drunk to enjoy it, which sometimes happens.
Yesterday I had a job interview in the early morning and an exam in the late afternoon. The exam went terribly, I felt for the first time in a long time that I really fucked myself over. I had been so exhausted I barely looked at the class material, hoping I could just wing it and pass. Unfortunately it's starting to look like I may get a pretty bad mark on it. It's only about a third of the class percentage so I'm just hoping my amazing essays carry me through.
Uncharacteristcally, I've been dreaming of romance lately, for the first time in a long time. I wish I could conjure up my past charasmatic self to take over my body when I'm out tonight, but it's looking doubtful. I've been feeling so not like myself, insecure and small, which I hate.
I'm so tired of being the initiator, where's the woman who will sweep me off my feet? If I had to fill out an application it would say this: average height, nice tits, great hair, only a little bit arrogant, fun (?), hasn't shaved pits since 2020.
ANY TAKERS????